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Serious Humor

Flower Mound

WARNING!!

If you are one of those unfortunate people born with no sense of humor,

LEAVE NOW!!

One note to the members of the Defenders of Wildlife, PETA, and others of similar mindset who happen to stumble onto these web pages; feel free to e-mail us at whinetome@dentoncountysports.com, but please remember the old observation:

"Discussing certain issues with certain people is like trying to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time, and it irritates the **** out of the pig."

Or, if you are the milder, vegan sort, with a horror of firearms or hunting, click below:

I prefer a gentler and more sensitive environment, thank you.

With that out of the way, let's begin ...

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Farnum's "Three Rules of Stupid"

“The best way to handle any potentially injurious encounter is: Don’t be there. Arrange to be somewhere else. Don’t go to stupid places. Don’t associate with stupid people. Don’t do stupid things.” – John Farnam

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did you ever notice:
When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?

 

--------------------------------

What is the difference between putting your hand on the lawnmower muffler and choosing women ? ..... With the lawnmower you only get burned once.... 

--------------------------------

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The Glock grip that newbies will only do once.  :)

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"Choices"
http://vimeo.com/8026143

Involves kristin dorsett.

-----------------------

Honesty Test

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. 

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. 

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer . . somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under . . . forever. 

You have two options--you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women. 

So here's the question, please give your most honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

---

 

Three strangers at a small airport terminal in the Texas Panhandle, are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch-hand on his way to Fort Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once, my people were many, now we are few".

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.

---------------------------------------------

More below ....

USMC Rules For Gunfighting
(Navy rules much shorter at the end)

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

 7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

10. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.

11. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

13. Have a plan.

14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

17. Don't drop your guard.

18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.

22. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

23. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."


Navy Rules for Gunfighting

1. Go to Sea

2. Send the Marines

3. Drink Coffee

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Description of Political Correctness

A doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

The Priest and the Drunk

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
 priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
 half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his top coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
 what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, >wicked women,too
 much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
 prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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THE VALUE OF UNDIES

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

An Arkansas woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and
come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replies "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse".  The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband. "Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose."
_____________________________________________

> > An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his
> > grandson to his bed.
> > "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you
> > to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will
> > always remember me."
> >
> > "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you
> > leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
> >
> > "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da
> > bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa
> > money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambino. Soma
> > day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in
> > bed with another man. Whata ya do then? Pointa to ya
> > watch and say TIMES UP"

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________________________________________________

First Annual Colorado Prarie Dog Fishing Tournament http://www.freedomnet.cnchost.com/pdf/pdft.htm

_________________________________________________

A message from your former President

__________________________________________________

   

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
I sh*t myself when I farted and I' worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than
I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________

CHILI # 8 Jacks Jalapeno Jailbreak

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chili?

___________________________________________________________________________

quote:

---

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse patootey. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a d@mn. My car was parked around the corner...

---

 

>                                 I cross the ocean

                                   poor and  broke,
>                                 Take bus,
>                                 see employment folk.
>
>                                Nice man treat me
>                                good in there
>                                Say I need to see welfare.
>
>                                Welfare  say,
>                                "You come no  more,
>                                 We send cash
>                                right to your door."
>
>                                Welfare checks,
>                                they make you wealthy,
>                                Medicaid, it keep
>                                you healthy!
>
>                                By and  by,
>                                I got plenty money,
>                                Thanks to you,
>                                American dummy.
>
>                                Write to friends
>                                 in  motherland,
>                                Tell them 'come
>                                fast as you can.'
>
>                                They come in  turbans
>                                and in Ford trucks,
>                                I buy big house
>                                with welfare bucks.
>
>                                They come here,
>                                we live together,
>                                More welfare checks,
>                                it gets even better!
>
>                                Fourteen  families,
>                                they moving in,
>                                But neighbor's patience
>                                wearing thin.
>
>                                Finally, white  guy
>                                moves away,
>                                Now I buy his house,
>                                and say,
>
>                                "Find more aliens
>                                for house to rent."
>                                And in the yard
>                                I put a tent.
>
>                                Send for  family
>                                they just trash,
>                                But they, too,
>                                draw the welfare cash!
>
>                                Everything  is
>                                very  good,
>                                And soon  we
>                                own the neighborhood.
>
>                                We have hobby  --
>                                it's called breeding,
>                                Welfare pay
>                                for baby feeding.
>
>                                Kids need  dentist?
>                                Wife need  pills?
>                                We get free!
>                                We got no bills!
>
>                                American crazy!
>                                He pay all year,
>                                To keep our welfare
>                                running here.
>
>                                We think America
>                                darn good  place!
>                                Too darn good  for
>                                the white man race.
>
>                                If they no like us,
>                                they can scram,
>                                Got lots of room in
>                                Pakistan.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------

 

A Texas cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

 

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"

 

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."

The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

 

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill."

The cowboy asks, "What is it?"

 

The doc replies,"Viagra."

 

The cowboy looks surprised and ask,"Will that kill the pain?"

 

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to

while I pull the tooth."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A  US Air Force  C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight.  During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is  sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to  take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base  and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must  find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what  he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk  criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops  him and says "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you  are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his  task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir,  with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United  States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland for 11 months without any leave and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I  have one stripe, it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40  degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an  aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have  in mind?"

-----------------------------------

Ya know what seems to work well for birth control beginning around the age of 50 ? Nudity.

-----------------------

The Lawyer from Teulon

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir', she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.  Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from'?

The man replied, 'Teulon'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Teulon.' 

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

-----------------------------------------------

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this  fall... back in 1850?

                   California  became a state
              The people had no electricity.
             The state had no money.
          Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
        There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

-----------------------------------------

FINALLY, SOMEONE'S CLEARED THIS UP

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in  Washington , D.C. , has recently revealed the true story.
 
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in America. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.

-----------------------------------

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

As I entered Heaven's door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its decor.

 

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me sputter and gasp -

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholocs and the trash.

 

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Who never said anything nice.

 

Herb, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

 

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

God must've made a mistake.

 

And why's everyone so quiet,

So somber - give me a clue!"

"Hush, child" He said, "They're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing YOU!"

---------------------------------------

"The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps." - Eleanor Roosevelt, 1945

---------------------------

King Arthur and the Witch:  Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.  The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.  He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.  Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.  But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.  The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.  The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!  Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.  He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.  He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.  Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:  What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.  Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.  And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.  The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.  The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.  Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?  Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?  What would YOU do?  What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.  Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.  Now....what is the moral to this story? If you don't let a woman have her own way....  Things are going to get ugly! ----------------------