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If you are one of those unfortunate people born with no sense
of humor,
One note to the members of the Defenders of Wildlife, PETA,
and others of similar mindset who happen to stumble onto these web pages;
feel free to e-mail us at whinetome@dentoncountysports.com,
but please remember the old observation:
"Discussing certain issues with certain people is
like trying to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time, and it irritates
the **** out of the pig."
Or, if you are the milder, vegan sort, with a
horror of firearms or hunting, click below:
I prefer a gentler and more sensitive environment,
thank you.
With that out of the way, let the
begin
...
did you ever
notice:
When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?
--------------------
What is the difference between putting your hand on the lawnmower muffler
and choosing women ? ..... With the lawnmower you only get burned once....
--------------------
> Subject: PHYSICIANS VS GUN OWNERS
>
> PHYSICIANS vs. GUN OWNERS
>
> Physicians:
> a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
> b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
> c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
> (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
>
> Now think about this:
>
> Guns:
> a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
> b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is
1,500.
> c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
>
> Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
> Than gun owners.
>
> Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do"
>
> FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST! EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.
>
> Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
> before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>
> Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics
> on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
medical
> attention.
>
-----------------------
Honesty Test
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and
you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer . . somehow the
woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her
under . . . forever.
You have two options--you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you
can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of
one of the world's most powerful women.
So here's the question, please give your most honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
Three strangers at a small airport terminal in the Texas Panhandle, are
awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from
Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch-hand on his way to Fort Worth for a stock
show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at
the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the
discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that
the Arab is a devout radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy
lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table,
tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows
tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks:
"Once, my people were many, now we are few".
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were
few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that
is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played
Cowboys and Muslims yet."
USMC Rules For Gunfighting
(Navy rules much shorter at the end)
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two
guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving
fast enough nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral
and diagonal movements are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and
a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance,
or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading,
and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be
more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy
of the gun.
10. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should
have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else,
keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less
shot up you will get.
22. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone
you meet.
23. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which
does not start with a "4."
Navy Rules for Gunfighting
1. Go to Sea
2. Send the Marines
3. Drink Coffee
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Description
of Political Correctness
A
doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
The Priest and the Drunk
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his top coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
Father,
what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, >wicked
women,too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."
----------------------------------------------------------------
THE VALUE OF UNDIES
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle...especially in public.
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple
who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the
parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group
of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to
stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand
UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet
she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
head.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An Arkansas woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and
come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her
husband, "What is a specimen?" He replies "Hell if I know. Go
next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse". The woman goes next door and
comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple
cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?"
asked her husband. "Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith
what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go
shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose."
_____________________________________________
> > An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his
> > grandson to his bed.
> > "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you
> > to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will
> > always remember me."
> >
> > "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you
> > leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
> >
> > "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da
> > bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa
> > money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambino. Soma
> > day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in
> > bed with another man. Whata ya do then? Pointa to ya
> > watch and say TIMES UP"
-------------------------------------------------------
Just One Wish
A woman was walking along the beach when she
stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up
and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace
in the Middle East. See this map? I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the
Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It
will bring about world peace and harmony." The
Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of
years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I
don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please
be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and
said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man.
You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook
and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed
and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all
the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that freakin' map again."
-------------------------------------
The
old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the
ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US
government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" one
official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have
observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the
damage he has done."
The chief nodded that this was
so.
The official continued,
"Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go
wrong?"
The chief stared at the
government officials for over a minute, and then
calmly replied,
"When
white men found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No
debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man
free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love
to women."
The chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he
could improve system like that."
________________________________________________
First Annual Colorado Prarie Dog Fishing Tournament http://www.freedomnet.cnchost.com/pdf/pdft.htm
_________________________________________________
A
message from your former President
__________________________________________________
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just
like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me
off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames.
I sh*t myself when I farted and I' worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than
I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 Jacks Jalapeno Jailbreak
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chili?
___________________________________________________________________________
quote:
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and
when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil
necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
bald tires!! So I called him a horse patootey. He finished the second ticket
and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote.
I didn't give a d@mn. My car was parked around the corner...
>
I cross the ocean
poor and broke,
>
Take bus,
>
see employment folk.
>
>
Nice man treat me
>
good in there
>
Say I need to see welfare.
>
>
Welfare say,
>
"You come no more,
>
We send cash
>
right to your door."
>
>
Welfare checks,
>
they make you wealthy,
>
Medicaid, it keep
>
you healthy!
>
>
By and by,
>
I got plenty money,
>
Thanks to you,
>
American dummy.
>
>
Write to friends
>
in motherland,
>
Tell them 'come
>
fast as you can.'
>
>
They come in turbans
>
and in Ford trucks,
>
I buy big house
>
with welfare bucks.
>
>
They come here,
>
we live together,
>
More welfare checks,
>
it gets even better!
>
>
Fourteen families,
>
they moving in,
>
But neighbor's patience
>
wearing thin.
>
>
Finally, white guy
>
moves away,
>
Now I buy his house,
>
and say,
>
>
"Find more aliens
>
for house to rent."
>
And in the yard
>
I put a tent.
>
>
Send for family
>
they just trash,
>
But they, too,
>
draw the welfare cash!
>
>
Everything is
>
very good,
>
And soon we
>
own the neighborhood.
>
>
We have hobby --
>
it's called breeding,
>
Welfare pay
>
for baby feeding.
>
>
Kids need dentist?
>
Wife need pills?
>
We get free!
>
We got no bills!
>
>
American crazy!
>
He pay all year,
>
To keep our welfare
>
running here.
>
>
We think America
>
darn good place!
>
Too darn good for
>
the white man race.
>
>
If they no like us,
>
they can scram,
>
Got lots of room in
>
Pakistan.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Warning: The second and especially the
third picture below are not for the squeamish.
A Texas cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination
the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you
a
shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles. I'm
not
having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."
The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a
couple of
days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water,
"Here," he
says, "Take this pill."
The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies,"Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised and ask,"Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something
to hold on to
while I pull the tooth."
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